Lenten Reflection - Day 28: by Katie Murray

READING: John 3: 14-21

First a disclaimer, I was baptized & raised a Lutheran. In fact I have been a member of the St. Stephen family since I moved here in 5th grade. So, I went through communion, confirmation, married, & had my son baptized here. That said my journey has not been void of anger, disappointment, sorrow, or confusion.

After confirmation I turned away from the church and for the most part God. He never once turned from me though. After High School I continued to feel a tug my heart to work with youth, teenagers in particular. I would constantly have conversations with Jesus and yes he would answer. Every time I would feel that tug towards working with teenagers I would tell him I was not ready yet, that I needed more experience, I didn’t know how to do what he was asking, I was not the right person, I was not good enough, and I even at one point tried to bargain with him. Every time I would say no or do nothing about it I could hear him saying its okay but that is where you need to be. Each time his requests would get louder and harder to ignore. Finally one day I was personally approached by someone to help with the youth and I literally turned to God and “Okay enough already I get it I’ll do it”. I would not change the relationships I formed during that time or the love I felt for each and every one of them like they were my own family. It is a time however, that holds both joy and sorrow for me. During that year, I dealt with a personal situation with a pastor that shattered my own self worth and also confidence in the church. I tried hard to turn away from the church but found myself unable no matter how hard I tried to turn away from the youth. Also, later in the year I was presented with an ultimatum to support something I did not believe, in my opinion, was in the best interest of these youth I love or have to sever ties all together with them. It was a very tough decision for me because on the one hand I felt a deep need to stand up for what I felt was in the best interest of the kids and on the other hand if I did it meant I would not be able to speak to the very kids I felt I needed to protect. I was left in tears as either decision would cause pain. I found myself questioning the church and its leadership, wondering if they were listening to God. I questioned God as to why he would fill my heart with this calling and then say of never mind. I questioned myself wondering if I was not good enough or if maybe God realized he had made a mistake. I did not understand why he would call me to do something so hard only to break my heart.

The next year or so was the hardest and darkest time for me as every time I came to church I felt like I was reminded of how much of a failure I was. I eventually tried to fill the void by volunteering in the role of Handchime director and starting Stephen People Jr. I’ll be honest, I started them mainly for selfish reasons, my love of drama and music, with the added bonus of being able to do it for God. Then came this young new pastor who made me reevaluate myself and my life. He made me uncomfortable in my skin and made me stop listening to me and start trying to listen to Jesus. Shortly after his arrival there was a ministry op to help with Confirmation. I decided for the first time in my life to volunteer for something purely out of wanting to serve God where I felt he wanted me to be despite still feeling not worthy and being afraid God would change his mind on me again. A funny thing happened when I opened my heart to do something for God first. I realized after only 2 weeks that though I did this for him and not for me this time he gave me an added bonus…. I found joy and love in what I was doing. It is the kind of pure joy that can even out weigh my love for music… which for those of you who know me realize how crazy that sounds because I absolutely love to sing, it’s part of my DNA. But the joy and love that I feel in serving those middle school kids far exceeded anything I could ever describe. I finally realized that what happened before was not God taking away from me or breaking my heart. He was just saying this is not the time or the group for you. He sent me there to prepare me for what he really had in store. He was equipping me with the confidence and the knowledge to be able to step up and do his will with the Middle School Youth. So sometimes even when our darkest days come and we question his wisdom and decisions, keep your eyes open because there is always a lesson to be learned. Remember he never leaves you alone; Jesus is always by your side. My favorite illustration and how I envision the love of God through Jesus is the poem “Foot Prints”. I now no longer want to give my time to the ministry of youth I want to give my life, though at this point I don’t know what that will look like I am sure if I walk with Jesus it will be amazing.