Day 19 -- Be Big

Hopefully you read Warren's treatise for today on "Getting along." There's a lot of stuff worth chewing on in our human relationships. On balance, I think he does a fine job.

However, the angle I want to comment on is his point to ponder at the end of today's reflection. He writes: "Go for the love, not the win."

I was on a church staff once when four of our rostered staff people were behaving really badly. I'm speaking about two pastors and two associates in ministry. There's more to the story. They felt threatened by new directions the church and leadership were taking and decided to respond not by embracing the new day, but by taking on an entrenched attitude and by digging in. They began a subsurface phone-a-thon and email campaign in the church to character assassinate our lead pastor, the staff that stood with the mission and new day of the church, and the lay leadership that comprised the council and personnel teams at the time.

They got really ugly. I was a pastoral resident at the time and was the recipient of some of the character assassination myself because I was identified as being aligned with our lead pastor. I remember talking with my lead about the situation over coffee at Starbuck's there in Littleton one crisp mountain morning. I was furious at the lies and untruths that were being thrown around, and even angrier that we were having to invest so much energy simply into managing conflict that the mission of the church seemed to be suffering. I wanted to mount a campaign of defense, wipe away the smears, and combat the ugly aspersions being hurled our way.

Rick was supernaturally calm in the midst of all of this. And he smiled at my rant. I know that the journey of those days was hard on him and took it's toll. But on this morning he was as clear and crisp as the air around us. I said to him, "Well, what are we going to do?"

His response? "Well Sunshine, (that was his nickname for me...but if y'all use it, just remember that it's PASTOR Sunshine now!!!! LOL), we're gonna 'be big,' just like my momma told me to be when it came to handling the bullies in the school yard."

"What?" I said incredulous.

"Be big. Be magnanimous. Folks when they're angry and reactive want you to get dirty with them, and that never, ever helps. When the dirt starts flying, you just gotta be big. That's it. Be honest, be truthful, stand tall, and don't get ugly. All the character assassinations will work themselves out. Folks will figure it out in the end. Just be big."

You know he was right? Rick pulled it off. Within a year, most of the folks who had been swayed by the campaign of ugliness had figured it out and come around. Those who couldn't figure it out left which was fine because they really needed to. (There weren't many. Abiding Hope was too healthy and their history with Rick too solid. Most of the congregation knew his heart and character deeply and new the things that were being leveled at him, his staff, and leadership in the congregation were all things that represented those who were running the campaign of ugliness.)

In the end, I realized that Rick was right. If he'd gotten dirty too it would have obscured the truth and would have validated the lies that were being thrown his way. But he didn't validate those lies and because he stood tall (and the rest of us figured out how to do that as well) it was much easier for people to sort the truth from the untruth.

Here's my point. Getting along is an ideal. But you're always going to have unhealthy folks in the body of Christ, in your work places, and in your families, who just want to spread their ugliness on everyone else. Their insides are dirty and they're convinced the world isn't right unless everyone else is dirty too.

And there's just one response...one thing that works, apart from establishing clear boundaries with these ornery people. Be big. Personally, I just think that's Rick Barger's momma's way of saying what Warren is saying: "Go for the love, not the win."

Rick could have gone for the win in the situation with the four. He would have won too. But at the same time, he would have lost...face and credibility with a congregation to whom he was pledged to model Christ like love.

In that situation, like all situations, Love Wins. It always does.

So today, as you engage your community, Be Big. Go for the love, not the win, and discover that this makes you AND your community a winner.

Your tired pastor,

Pastor Nathan